Maggie May

Mandee, me, and Maggie in January 2005

My dear friend Maggie went to be with Jesus last weekend. Today was her memorial service in San Jose, CA. I wanted to be there so badly. It really broke my heart to be sitting here when all I wanted to do was join with those who were celebrating her amazing life. I wanted to make my contribution, to share my memories of Maggie and bring glory to the God who gave her to us. Here are some of the joys from my friendship with Maggie May.

In 2004, Maggie moved to Waverly, IA, to intern at Open Bible Church. I was the children's pastor, she was a licensed minister as well and looking to get some experience and possibly find a ministry position in the Central Region. I remember meeting her in Jim and Sharon's backyard. I don't remember much else about her coming. It just seems like we were friends from the start. Maggie loved to put puzzles together, and so did I, so my puzzle collection grew exponentially while Maggie was here. We could do a 1,000 piece puzzle in one evening! She was awesome; I have issues concentrating, but she just kicked it.

We went to the Fall Minister's Retreat together and shared a room that year. I just remember that the theme was something about marriage, and I'm pretty sure Maggie and I were the only single ministers there. :) We bonded a lot that week! I remember some serious hip-hop action on the road trip. I'm pretty sure it was in Branson that year, so we had to have met up with my sisters. I wish I could remember more about that. 

The picture below was at the 2004 Harvest Party. People still remember her costume. I'm so glad I have pictures of it!!

This is a silly thing, but I remember Bath and Body Works released a new fragrance that year, Black Raspberry Vanilla. We both loved it. Every time I smell it, I think of her.

Maggie helped me with a Kid's Night Out pajama party. This is a picture of us that night. She was so much fun!

I remember sitting in my living room eating Rolos and assembling a puzzle while we watched the 2004 presidential election results.

I got Maggie on the Weight Watchers train with me, so we counted points together. It have always enjoyed introducing people to Weight Watchers because it's so easy to follow, and it was great to see her excitement at losing a few pants sizes that year. I remember once we rode bikes from the Long's house to East Bremer Diner and back. I figured if we rode the whole way, we could eat yummy broasted chicken and burn it back off. :)

Maggie sang "Breath of Heaven" at Christmas time, and I did a human video with it. That was a great experience. Everyone who heard her sing said she had the voice of an angel, and she really, really did. She and Bill sang together a couple of times, and I wish I had a copy of one of them. I would love to hear it again and again.

It was really hard on Maggie that she couldn't afford to go home for Christmas that year. She stayed here with the Long family, and they bought her a djembe for Christmas. It was a great gift for her, and she loved it. She loved them so much. She couldn't have asked for a better family to treat her as their own during her time in Waverly.

I remember playing Donkey Konga with Maggie over at the Long's. Man, she was so stinking good at that game! She had serious skills...she killed everyone. I loved watching her play it (not necessarily playing against her, though!!).

My birthday was in January, and we went out with friends that evening. Here's a picture of Natalie, Mandee, me, Maggie, and Jen. It was such a fun night. Maggie had the most beautiful smile and the best laugh. I can still hear it.
 

A couple in our church own a bed and breakfast, and they gave me a free night to stay there for Pastor's Appreciation. I took Maggie with me, and I remember doing puzzles (of course) and watching movies all night long. We had a great time, and Maggie is the only person beside Matt with whom I have stayed at a B&B! :-)

They also have a working farm, so we got a tour the next day. Here is a picture of us with the brand new baby calves in the background.


Maggie struggled with loneliness and missing her family for much of her time in Waverly. She had never been this far away from home, certainly not for such a long period of time, and it was really hard on her for a lot of reasons. She eventually left in February to move back home. She had also started talking to Morgan on the phone, and they ended up getting engaged in May (I believe) and married in August, so I think it all worked out the way it should have. Before she left, Maggie and I went out with Bill and Natalie one night. Here's a picture of me, Maggie, and Bill at Jag's Java.

I was pretty sad when Maggie left. I had very few (if any) single friends in Waverly, and it was really great to have someone to spend time with. It was only a few months after she left that Matt and I started hanging out, but I was glad he had known her (he took over her guitar class when she left in February).

Maggie and I kept up on the phone pretty often, especially at first. She asked me to be in her wedding in August, but I wasn't able to do it. We always commented on the fact that she lived here for only about 6 months, but God knit our hearts together in that time. We shared a closeness that defied the short span of our time together. We could catch up on the phone as if no time had passed.

I remember when she called to tell me she had breast cancer. I remember that Matt and I went to San Jose for vacation in 2007, and it was only months later that she and Morgan moved to San Jose to take a youth pastor position. I was SO bummed that we had not been able to see her when we were so close.

I never did see Maggie after she moved from Waverly. I can't even remember for sure our last phone conversation. I had left her messages for a few months, but we never caught up on the phone in recent months. I had been telling Matt for a few months that I really wanted to go visit her. I looked up tickets, thought about bringing Bella, and tried to decide if waiting until January would be okay since our fall was so busy. I had a feeling it would not work out for some reason. I knew if I didn't go in the fall, I would probably not get to see her.

I wanted to see her again. I wanted to tell Maggie how important she was to me, how glad I am that God allowed our paths to cross here in Waverly, Iowa. Maggie was a bright shining light in my life. Even though this was a hard season for her, I just remember her with a huge smile on her face. I remember her laugh and the joy she exuded. I will never forget how, every time I talked to her on the phone, she always wanted to know about me and didn't want to complain about her cancer or the treatment or the pain she was in.

Maggie inspired me with her life, with her joy and her complete devotion to God. I always figured God would heal Maggie and use her to be an amazing testimony of His grace and goodness. She is that testimony, but not in the way I imagined. I could hardly look at my baby girl this week without wanting to cry, thinking about how much God has blessed me to be a mom and get to raise her when Maggie wanted that so badly for so many years. God's grace has given me this gift and so many others. I know the challenge is to keep from taking them all for granted, especially as time passes and Maggie isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning.

I am determined to use the years I have left on this earth to be the shining light that Maggie was to me and countless others. I am determined that light will not fade just because Maggie is not here with us. I know it still shines in me, and I think it shines brighter because I am carrying on the light she left here. She doesn't need it anymore, after all. She has all the Light she will ever need.

I love you, Maggie. I will never forget you or your joy or your laugh. I will always be grateful for our friendship. I will cherish the memories I have. I will look forward to the day when I see you again. Save some puzzles for me!

What Is God Doing?

This is an interesting stage of life. Baby...work...home...church...friends. Life is so much different and faster with a baby. The schedule has picked up as I really, really want to spend lots of time outside this summer. 

I think being stuck in the house in the middle of the country with a baby all winter got to me. By the end of winter, I was at the end of my wits. This summer is such a godsend. I know it has only just arrived, but I have been waiting for it longingly. I want to be gone on weekends, to use the RV (finally after 5 years of paying on it every month and never doing anything with it), to play with Isabella in the water, to water my garden and watch it grow (the weeding I can do without). Then there are the regular things of summer, like mowing the lawn, house projects which multiply like little the gnats around here, lots of dirty laundry, and so on and so on.

With all that...stuff, it takes a lot more effort to remember to slow down and see what God is doing. Things are happening at our church, and I am trying to figure out where I fit in all of it. I have struggled for two years with wanting to jump in, to do a bunch of stuff, and with knowing that my new life as a work-at-home mom needs to be figured out first. It can be hard work to slow down enough to hear God. What is He doing? Where does He want me to be? Is there something else He has for me, or is He asking me to jump in and go for it?

I don't know. I do know that I love the sense of anticipation in my heart. Wherever He leads, I know He will prepare me for it. His plans are amazing. I love looking forward to what He will do. 

And this picture is just because I like a blog post that has a picture. And because cute summer babies playing outside are irresistible. Especially mine. :-)

Yep, it's really me.

Holy cow...where have I been?!?

I've been here, living life, watching my baby turn into a toddler and turn ONE year old last month. I assumed everyone I know has a Facebook, so I post updates and pictures there. But yesterday Kathy told me that she missed my blog, and I thought I would post a few of my favorite Isabella pictures from the last few months just for her! :-) Maybe someday she'll get a Facebook. Maybe someday I'll get back to blogging regularly. I hope so. I just can't commit to it right now. I have been doing a lot of fun stuff, though - I started Weight Watchers again and have lost almost 10 pounds (yeah!); I've been crafting when I can squeeze it in (not very often, but it's still lots of fun); we took our first overnight trip away from Isabella (it was great!); I have volunteered for a few things at church that are only once a month, but I love it so far!

The list could go on, but I'm going to get these pictures posted. Enjoy, Kathy! :-)

 Isabella was a big helper when Mommy went into fill in at work!

 Showing off her teeth (which have since multiplied)!

 Getting ready for summer!

 Playing with Grampy!

Isabella likes watching train DVDs with Daddy (I am not sure why).

 Isabella and Daddy!

 From her one year photo shoot. I love this "cuddle shot" as my mom called it.

 My big-eyed beauty.

 A semi-ornery smile.

 I LOVE this one!

 Power to the Legos! (credit goes to Zack for that one)

 Me and my girl.

Happy one year, Isabella!!

On Loan from God

Isabella was dedicated on Saturday! It was such a great day. She even had her first crib nap in months! (I've really been hoping to start her naps in the crib soon, but I had no choice on Saturday, and it worked great!)
 
We had so many special people here with us; both sets of grandparents, both my sisters and one brother-in-law, both of Isabella's cousins, Matt's sister, brother, and sister-in-law, and Matt's grandma, aunt, and uncle.

The dedication is on Saturday afternoon in the church chapel. It opened with a beautiful song (I just looked it up - Find Your Wings by Mark Harris). Pastor John then shared an explanation of the promises the parents had agreed to make in this dedication of our child. The promises were included in the program as well.

He emphasized that our children are on loan from God. I have thought about this a lot in Isabella's 6 months of life. My personality lends itself to being obsessive, and I am obsessive about things that seem to be wrong. I always want to fix it - if she's not sleeping well, I want to fix it. If she didn't gain much weight, I want to fix it. If she doesn't want anyone else to hold her, I want to fix it. When I come to the end of my rope and realize that everything can't be "fixed," I am so comforted in knowing that she belongs to God. She always has; she is on loan to us for a time, but she will always be His child. I am getting better at remembering this fact before I do my crazy thing.

After the message, each family was called up to be introduced and prayed over. We chose a verse for Isabella, and I spoke it over her. It was Psalm 73:23-24:

Yet I am always with you. You hold me by my right hand, you guide me with your counsel, and afterward, you will take me into glory."

Matt was asked how Isabella has changed our lives, and he talked about how having a baby helps up realize how selfish we are. It has also shown us a love unlike anything we have ever known. Then Pastor John prayed for our family. They presented us with a few gifts; a Bible, a teddy bear, a bib, and a tag blanket (looks like this). There was a red ribbon on the table, and everyone who came to the dedication wrote a special note to Isabella on the ribbon. The blanket has a Velcro section that can be opened, and the ribbons goes inside. Isabella will be able to carry this reminder of the love that surrounds her wherever she goes.

Following the dedication, they provided pizza for the family in the church cafe. We were introduced at the 5:30 p.m. service that day as well.

I have seen and been a part of many baby and child dedications, but what they do at Prairie Lakes Church is amazing and so special. I am thrilled that we had Isabella dedicated here. I will never forget this special day.
 

Six Month Surprise

We took Isabella to her six month appointment on Friday. She is such a little peanut, so I was pretty curious to find out what she would weigh for this check up. She weighed in at 10 pounds, 15 ounces. For some reason, I had it in my head that she was 9 pounds, 4 ounces at the last appointment, but apparently that was the appointment prior to the last one. She weighed 11 pounds and a few ounces at the 4 month appointment, so she lost a few ounces. I was very surprised, but the doctor was not worried about it. She grew an inch in length and gained an inch in head circumference and is meeting all her milestones. By all those standards and by all appearances, she's a healthy little girl. She is as strong as can be; I can't believe how hard she can grab the toys on her Exersaucer, and she pulls my hair very well.

We scheduled a weight check in a month. She has yet to hit her 6-month growth spurt, so I imagine that will come sometime in the next few weeks. She has also been very distracted during nursing over the past few weeks (or more). Especially if I'm trying to do anything else at the same time; she is much more interested in what I'm doing than in eating. So I started taking her into her room and keeping distractions to a minimum.

So that's it.

Yeah, right.

As I thought about it after leaving the doctor's office and running some errands with her, it really upset me. I felt like a bad mother. 

How could I not know that she didn't gain any weight?

Is it my fault? Is it because I started Weight Watchers? 

Is there something wrong with my breastmilk?

And the eternal question...why would God put me through this? She's been doing fine, she seems just fine, and now all of a sudden I'm insanely worried about her and feeling like a terrible, horrible, unfit mother.

I really, really didn't want to tell anyone. I figured I could ignore it, but I knew that those who know me and know we went to the doctor would ask. So I decided to be tough and act like it's all fine.

Then I saw Melanie. And I knew she would understand. She would not judge me or think less of me.

So I cried. 

Then I felt better.

What I now realize is this: God loves Isabella. He loves her more than I do, and He gave her to me and Matt to raise and nurture. I have done my best with her, and she has done great for her first six months. She has always been small, and she will grow at her own pace. All I can do is to take care of her the best I know how and trust God to do the rest.

She belongs to Him, after all.

I knew this all along. I just let the worries and disappointment push it out of my mind this weekend. But I'm better today. And as long as I keep that in mind, we will all be just fine.

Joyful in Hope

Isabella is being dedicated at our church in just a couple of weeks. I am excited at the thought and effort they put into child dedication. They sent us a packet of information when we signed up, and one of the pages included verse ideas for Parent/Child Dedication. (It's actually a Child Dedication/Parent Commitment Service.) They ask parents to choose a "promise verse" that will be prayed over the child at the service.

Last night, I was reading through the verse ideas to see if anything struck a chord with me. They list a passage from Romans 12, which is to me one of the most practical chapters in the Bible. I have always been drawn to it. The passage listed includes verse 12, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)

Joyful in hope. Joyful in hope. I listen to a lot of Matt Chandler sermons, so I can't remember exactly where I heard this one. I think it was somewhere in the Luke series. He said that hope can only be present where something is lacking. If there is hope, that also means there is hurt, pain, something missing. That is obviously an overriding theme for the follower of Jesus - we are always longing for the day we will see Him. The pain of this world is a reminder that we are not home yet.

In many smaller ways, I hold onto hope every single day. I hope that God will bring healing where I have wounded. I hope for freedom and perseverance for those I love who are stuck in difficult situations. I hope to see God do amazing things in me, in my family, in my friends. Unfortunately, I can't always use the word joyful to describe my hope. How about...

...frustrated?

...anxious?

...impatient?

That is not an impressive list of adjectives. I really need God to bring joy to my hope. I may have to wait a long time to see these hopes and many others be realized. 

God isn't as concerned with the "resolution" to my trials as He is with who I am becoming in the midst of them.

Dreaming

Matt and I saw "Inception" last week. We don't watch TV, so I had only heard of the movie through Facebook posts. I looked it up at Plugged In and we both thought it would be worth seeing.

I don't like giving away the plot of a movie, but I have to explain a little of it in order to expand on my thoughts. In the movie, dreams can be manipulated and people can enter into the dreams of others. It's quite fascinating, and it held my interest very well. (I get bored with movies pretty easily.)

I am ever the realist, so during the movie I reflected on my own belief that one person cannot enter the dreams of another. It makes for an interesting movie plot, but I cannot reconcile it with reality. I don't put much thought into what happens in my dreams. Unless it is an incredibly vivid dream, I leave it behind once the voice an infant rouses me from that dream world. I rarely have time to revisit it in the course of my day.

I have other dreams; dreams that are not simply confined to my sleeping hours. Dreams that are held deep within my heart. I have shared some dreams with those closest to me. Sometimes we share the same dreams, the same hopes for a shared future. I am not sure if those dreams will ever become reality. Sometimes I wonder if God gives us dreams so that we keep hoping for the future. I believe, however, that some dreams are planted deep within us so we will hang on tightly and not let them go no matter how much life tries to wrangle them from our grasp.

I hang on to my dreams. I will keep hoping that one day God will bring them to pass in amazing, mind-blowing ways.

Happy 4 months!

Isabella is 4 months old! It is certainly going by quickly. Her appointment is tomorrow. Matt will be coming along so I can step into the hall for the next set of immunizations. I think he's getting immune to her screaming these days, anyway.

On to the latest developments in the life of Isabella...

In bullet point form, of course.

1. She LOVES to lay on her playmat. She was in a bouncy seat phase, and now she's in a playmat phase. I lay her down so she can see herself in the mirror above. She talks to herself in the mirror, sticks her hands in her mouth, and rolls from side to side. It's so adorable.

2. She is rolling over now! I wrote down the date of her "first" rollover from tummy to back and back to tummy, but it was in the past 2 weeks or so. Today she rolled from her back to her tummy, got her bottom arm free, and rolled again onto her tummy. I'm in trouble when this girl really figures out how to move.

3. Her hands are constantly in her mouth. This is not a very recent development; it seems like she's had them there forever. She still isn't sucking her thumb, so I don't know if she will get that figured out soon or not. (The picture above is classic Boo - hands in mouth, smiling, loving her changing table. She's usually dressed, though. :-)

4. I don't think she is necessarily teething yet, but she is drooling like nobody's business. I changed her twice today because her outfit was drenched with drool. Not that I mind the changing outfits. She has to wear all those clothes sometime before she grows out of them.

5. She holds her head up really well. Her back isn't very steady yet, but I can hold her on my hip now. She's just so tiny. It feels funny to have such a tiny baby on my hip.

6. We are working on sleep training this week (training her to get to sleep by herself). It's very hard, but on the advice of many amazing moms, I believe we need to do it and now is the time for us. She is strong-willed and can scream like there's no tomorrow. Tonight was the best night so far, though. I have hope! And I have part of my evening back, which is a wonderful feeling. I was very depressed spending 2-4 hours a night putting her to sleep.

I am SO excited to find out her stats at the doctor's office tomorrow! I always look forward to seeing how much she has grown and knowing that I am the one who has nourished her to this point. I do not plan to start solids until 6 months or a little after. I am in no hurry, and I realize that eating will take a LOT longer and be a LOT messier when we get to that point. I'll take a few more months of exclusively nursing, thank you. (That's not the only reason, of course. I have done my research and believe it is in her best interests and prefer to wait until her digestive system is more developed.)

Pretty soon I want to blog about something other than my daughter. But sometimes the things I really want to say are much harder to get out. Blogging about her is very easy. :-)

No Rest for the Weary

My daughter sleeps well. She rarely wakes up in the middle of the night anymore. She goes down for naps in the swing pretty well. The thing we struggle with (and by we, I mean SHE) is bedtime.

I try to do the bedtime routine of pajamas, swaddle, nurse when she seems to be getting tired. It's generally between 7:00 and 8:00. She nurses fine and appears to be sleeping to me. However, when I get up to lay her down (or actually do lay her down), she immediately starts getting fussy and going crazy. She stretches out her body and starts whining. She's all of a sudden wide awake. I walk her, rock her, sing, bounce...all the things that usually work to help her get to sleep. Nothing works. I undo her swaddle and she still freaks out.

I think she's starting to teethe, so I gave her a little Tylenol tonight to see if that would help with the pain. It didn't make a bit of difference. I started putting her to bed at 7:30 and she didn't go to sleep until 9:30. I'm at my wit's end. The rest of our day great. I don't understand why it takes so long to get her to bed. I woke her up from her afternoon nap at 4:40, hoping that not letting her sleep to late would help. (She napped until 5:30-6 the past 2 nights.) That didn't make a difference, either. I've tried putting her down earlier. I've tried keeping her up later. The end result is almost always a 2+ hour bedtime routine. I let her cry for 5 minutes tonight, and then Matt went to rock her. It took her forever to calm down from that.

I dread night time. I'm so frustrated, but I feel like it's too early to begin sleep training. Most books I read suggest 6-9 months. I don't know if anyone has any suggestions, but I figured it might be a little therapeutic to write about it at least. I'm open to anything. Except crying it out. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. :-) Come on, veteran moms...help me out! Or at least tell me that it's too early to expect anything more (she'll be 4 months next week).

Poem for Moms

I've heard this poem before, but I don't remember most of it. The last two lines have always stuck in my head. I have said them over and over to myself since Isabella was born.

"I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep." Tears me up even now.

Enjoy!

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo;
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust, go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

3 months old!

Last week, Isabella turned 3 months old! It certainly has flown by. True to form, Heather took some amazing pictures for us! I could not have been happier with them. We ordered an 11x14 to put in a HUGE frame that we bought a few years ago. It looks amazing! My baby is now plastered all over the living room. I love it!

So three months...I figured she would still be mostly newborn-ish, but she seems so different already. She smiles a ton! I love that I can make her smile. On Friday, she started jabbering a bunch more! It's been so much fun to hear her figure out her voice. We love it. She has even started grabbing her toys, although she doesn't have a great deal of control over what she does with them yet. And, of course, everything goes in her mouth.

Last night she was nursing on my lap before bed, and I thought about how small she is. She fits nicely across my lap while she's nursing, and one of these days, she won't fit on my lap like that anymore. I get so anxious to see her reach some of the exciting milestones ahead, but when I reflect on how quickly it's going by, I remind myself to s - l - o - w d - o - w - n. I can tear up just thinking about the day when she won't be a "baby" anymore.

Isabella now screams in my face, and she is LOUD! (I can't imagine how she came to inherit that trait.) She still takes forever to go to sleep most nights. (But she sleeps for 10+ hours, so it's hard to complain.) She throws fits in the car at times that just drive me bonkers. (Other times she sleeps like an angel.) She is my baby girl, and I am enjoying every amazing and every trying moment. They are passing all too quickly.

Random Dozen, a.k.a. The Donut List

I stayed up late last night, and now I'm watching Hannah play. This is the best I can do for a new blog under the circumstances. Linda manages to come up with a great variety of questions, so it works for me.

1. What was the last song you listened to?
Something from a Christmas mix CD in the car this evening. The last one I remember is "Virgin's Lullaby" from the Nativity Story soundtrack.

2. Have you ever had “buyer’s remorse” over anything?
Oh, yeah. Countless clearance items that were a "steal" at the time and didn't ever seem to get picked from the closet. I'm working on being more discriminating about my clearance purchases. And leaving the tags on items as long as possible. I love returning...it's like making your money back.

3. What is something in your life that you are thankful for now that you didn’t think you would be at the time of the event (something that seemed ill-timed, inconvenient or hurtful which turned out to be a good thing)?
I can think of multiple answers to this question, but I'm deciding if I can come up with one is appropriate to share in this setting. I would say that I am thankful I stayed in Waverly. The first year...or two was really tough. I had a network of friends that I considered family in Springfield, and leaving was very difficult. I never wanted to stay in Waverly long anyway, so I kept my distance and therefore felt quite alone for a while. I never could have imagined what I would go through with some of the friends who became family here in Waverly, and now I feel as close to them as I did to my friends there. It's amazing how God can move in ways you never imagined.

Oh, and did I mention the fact that I met my husband in Waverly, 3 years after I moved here. It goes without saying, but God knew what He was doing.

4. Do you watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade every year? If so, do you have a favorite float or balloon?
I did as a kid, but it's been a while since I eagerly anticipated it. I don't mind if it's on in the background, but it doesn't terribly interest me anymore.

5. Share a quote, scripture, poem or lyric which has been an inspiration to you lately.
I pray not that you would find Jesus and He would give you everything you need, but that you would find Jesus and He would be enough. (paraphrase from Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church)

6. This is meant to be a fun question, and this is a G-rated blog, but please share a “guilty pleasure,” something that you enjoy that’s probably not the most edifying, time-worthy or healthy thing you could be indulging in. Did I mention this blog is rated G?
Sugar and plenty of it.

7. What Thanksgiving food are you looking forward to?
All of them? Actually, we're not with my family this year, and I'm not yet terribly familiar with Matt's family's traditional foods. I have made one or two things when we've been with them in years past, so I'll choose my dishes based on my cravings at the time I imagine.

8. What is your favorite book to read to children, or what was your favorite childhood book?
My mom says that my favorite book was the Kitty Book, and she bought it for my baby girl.

9. Do you collect anything? (Feel free to post a photo.)
I'm a stockpiler, so I could say that I collect lots of things. But I have no special collections to speak of.

10. Gift bags or wrapping paper?
I absolutely love wrapping gifts, but I end up using gift bags for time's sake more often.

11. Share an after-school memory from when you were younger. What was your routine like on an average day?
I remember the years when my mom ran a child care in the home. Coming home from school was great because there were all these cute little kids waking up from their naps to play with.

12. True story: Once, in a job interview, I was asked this question and told there would be no clarifying; I simply had to answer the question: “When you’re fishing, do you feel for the fish?” So what about you? Do you feel for the fish??
I thought about changing this to something different as I struggle to even know how to respond, but I respect the original poster, so I'll just say...no. Feeling for the fish sounds gross, so I wouldn't do it.

Trust

Trusting God can be such a learning process. Some circumstances in life have caused me to think more about what it means to trust God in painful, devastating times. Sometimes there are things that are so private that we are left to deal with them mostly alone, hopefully with a few select others that God provides. Some of these situations leave deep scars that take a long time to heal.

Last week I spent some time thinking about the leftover pain that can make it difficult to trust again; yes, even to trust God. I realized that, in order to trust God fully, I must release all my circumstances to Him. I must make peace with the fact that the same pain that came my way in the past could in fact recur should He see fit. I'm not saying that God sends painful, difficult circumstances our way, although sometimes I believe He does. But even if He sees fit to allow them to enter my life again, I must believe that He knows best. The problem comes when my self-protective instinct jumps in and decides that it would be better to not experience that depth of pain again. Anything is better than walking through that again, so I walk around on guard and doing everything I can to keep the pain and the pain-causing people at a distance. It's a natural reaction, but that doesn't mean it's the right response for a child of God. I should trust God enough to know that if He allows pain to come my way, it is for my good and His glory (see Romans 8:18 and 8:28).

His glory - I can get that one. My response to pain can bring Him glory. My attitude in pain can bring Him glory. My choice to use pain to push me closer to Him brings Him glory.

My good - this one is much harder to grasp. I forget how closely "my good" and "His glory" are related. I also have a tendency to look at "my good" in a childish way; anything that makes me happy and fits exactly into my expectations is good in my simplistic definition. How quickly I forget the great good that has come from great pain. It's hard to admit, but it's true in many ways.

I have a choice every day. Will I trust myself to figure out the best way to make it through this life? Or will I trust my Father, the One who loved me before I was born and loves me more than I can imagine? Do I really trust Him? When I consider what it means to give it all up in trusting Him, I struggle some days to answer in the affirmative. I'm not perfect, but thanks be to God who knows my going out and my lying down; He is familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, He knows it. He hems me in behind and before; He has laid His hand upon me.*

To know Him is to trust Him. Oh, Lord, I want to know You more.

*Adapted from Psalm 139:3-5.

Ready or Not...It Will Come!

It was not long after I found out that I was pregnant before the big question entered my mind: "How am I going to get this baby out of here?"

I read almost all of What To Expect When You're Expecting in a matter of days, and then I decided I had plenty of time to worry about it later. Now I'm 17 weeks (well, I am tomorrow!), and even though I still have lots of time, I want to be a well-informed first time mother. A friend suggested reading the Bradley book, so I checked it out at my mom's library. I devoured it, too, but I am not completely convinced. Rather than get into all the gory details, I wanted to put it out there for my many mom friends: have you ever used the Bradley method of natural childbirth? Even if not, have you heard of it/read the book? I would be interested in any feedback or opinions from those who may be somewhat familiar with it.

I am by no means a "natural childbirth" freak. I am not a nature lover, a tree hugger, or a granola eater. I have friends who are all of these things, but I'm more of a Starbucks drinker and an "indoorsy" girl. However, the concept of natural childbirth definitely intrigues me. He has some good points. I'm just not sure about all of it. So if anyone's interested in engaging in conversation about it, I definitely am! I just thought I would throw it out there and see what I get.

A Random MEME

Linda at 2nd Cup of Coffee created this MEME, and it gives me something easy to blog about for today. :-)

1. Which is worse: a long, boring meeting or standing in a return/exchange line after Christmas?

The Christmas line is worse. Usually a laptop has plenty of escape mechanisms for a boring meeting.

2. Except for maybe Rosie O'Donnell or Ann Coulter, nobody likes confrontation, yet we all have to deal with it. When you feel cornered and defensive, do you "bite back" or become passive aggressive?

I'm passive aggressive almost all the time in confrontation. But I'm learning to be a little mmore honest. I doubt I'll ever "bite back" like I wish I could.

3. Do you know anything about your genealogical background? (What country, culture, ties to prominent historical figures, or other stuff.)

My grandmother is from England and married my grandpa when he came over for the war. I'm honestly not sure of the rest.

4. What is the quickest way a person can endear him/herself to you?

Smile. Be kind. Giftcards work, too.

5. Cake, pie, cookies, or ice cream? (Note there is no "all of the above" option. You must choose one. Feel free to elaborate on flavor or memories tied to this dessert.) If you'd like, you can share a recipe, but you certainly don't have to.

Cookies. Warm, soft, slightly underbaked cookies win every time for me.

6. Females: Do you regularly change your handbag to coordinate with your outfit?

No, I don't. I stick with one for a few months then move on or back to an old one.

7. Are you task-oriented or relationship-oriented?

I'm task-oriented. To a fault at times. Not terribly so at home, but very much so at work.

8. IHOP, Bob Evans or Cracker Barrel?

Mmmm...Cracker Barrel. I haven't been in forever.

9. Have you ever left a movie in progress in a theater? Why?

I don't think I have. Now I read reviews on everything before I go see it. We don't see much, but we don't waste our money or find ourselves in shock from the ridiculous stuff that passes for entertainment these days, either.

10. What is one area of life in which you would like to develop more discipline or organization?

Writing. Playing piano.

11. Was middle school fun or painful?

Probably some of both. That's a 3-4 year span, so it's hard for me to characterize it with one word. Plus, for some reason I don't remember a whole lot. And I'm only 31.

12. What is your favorite Fall beverage?

The Pumpkin Spice Latte. I am elated when it returns to Starbucks each fall.

Where do you dwell?

I listened to a podcast recently that has got me thinking.

About what I think about.

But I have read Philippians 4:8 many, many times, and this message brought it to life in a new way. My mind loves to run about haphazardly, and all manner of good and bad things will race through my mind in a given day. I am a little ADD and have a hard time focusing on one thing at a time, so my mind wanders a lot. As I listened to his in-depth talk on each of the areas that God tells us to think about, I wondered what kind of woman I would be if I really thought like this all the time. It's messing with me. I don't have an answer, but I'm very captivated by the idea of capturing my thoughts so they fall into the Philippians 4:8 categories.

Just something to think about. If you're interested, you can read the transcript here or download the podcast here.

Stories of Shaving Cream and Friendship

This is Melanie. She likes shaving cream. She is eating it, and I am spraying it in her mouth.

Melanie does crazy things like eat shaving cream, throw cheeseballs, and in general try to find trouble wherever she might be. She also does crazy things like love the unlovable, move out of a lovely home into a camper, and in general does her best to follow God with abandon.

Melanie has taught me a lot in our friendship. More than anyone else I have ever known, Melanie has taught me that people matter more than things. She holds her stuff loosely, and she gives and gives beyond what might seem "sensible" to others. She gives money, time, talents, and she gives of her beautiful, loving heart, even when she's in danger of running out of herself.

Melanie has walked with me through some of the hardest days of my life. I have tried to walk with her through some of hers as well. Melanie is moving, and I am so happy for her. This will be a great adventure for Melanie and her family. God has given them such a heart to love others, and I know He will expand that even more as they grow and minister in a new place.

I will miss her desperately, miss stopping at her house to chat, kissing and hugging, tickling and laughing with her kids, and dropping off Junior Mints when the mood strikes. I will miss coffee with her and dinner for our birthdays. I will miss crying and laughing over pretty much anything. But God has taken Melanie on an amazing journey, and this move is going to draw her closer to Him. I know it is. So I will pray for Melanie and her family and for God to keep using them and to bless them with love and laughter wherever they go.

Save a place for me, because I can't wait to come visit you in our new home. And thanks for selling us your house, Mel. Even though I don't know what to do with it sometimes, there is something special about living where you lived and mowing the grass you mowed. I'm happy to walk the ground you walked on, my dear friend. I'll take care of it until you come back to visit.

Do I see a bathroom in the near future?

My husband (then boyfriend) bought this house in September 2005. It isn't your typical house. It is (was) a church in its former life. Our dear friends lived in it as their first home for about 9 years. Then they sold it to Matt.

Matt lived in the house for a few months before he asked me to marry him in December. I requested two things before our wedding: a redone bathroom and laundry facilities (he had none at the time). I actually had a washer and dryer, but he needed to re-work some stuff in order to hook them up.

So he began working on the bathroom. Ok...not right then. I think he actually began about 6 weeks before the wedding. Ambitious, right? Or procrastinatious. (That's my made up word in honor of you, Nate.) Here's a picture of the demo night:

The bathroom proved to be more daunting than he expected. He had moved back into his parent's house since his shower was now gone, and he and his dad spent as much time as they could working on the remodel. We picked out a lot of things together: the vanity, sinktop, lights, shower, floor tiles, and more. It was fun. Matt had a great floor plan that didn't pan out, so he re-designed it a number of times before coming up with the final version.

At any rate, I began to realize that this wasn't going to happen before the wedding (April 1). So I gave him a pass a couple weeks before the wedding. I didn't want the last few days before the wedding to be so stressful for him, and I knew it wouldn't happen no matter how hard they worked. So when we returned from the honeymoon...it was time to get moving on the bathroom! It ended up taking until mid-July to get the shower in working order. If you're calculating, that's 3 months without a shower. THREE MONTHS. Now it's hard to remember it, but we trucked to his parents' EVERY morning to shower and get ready. I do not miss those days.

So the shower was finished in July. Of 2006. Why am I writing about this in 2009? Because progress basically stopped at that point and has trickled since then. We had some other things going on in our life and marriage, and I chose not to make the bathroom my battle for a while. A long while it seemed. But a few weeks ago Matt and his dad started working on it again. This is a picture from about two weeks ago:

I thought I had a picture with the drywall, but now I find that I don't. However, this is all covered in drywall and, as of last night, they framed out the soffit to hide the pipe that runs along the ceiling in the left side of the picture. The next step is drywalling the soffit and the large beam in the middle/right part of the ceiling. (It doesn't look so large in this picture, but it is really big.) There is some more drywalling on the wall that is opposite the one you see here. But it's starting to look more finished and...gasp...the progress has given me hope that I may yet have a full bath in my own home!

Now, as I sit at my in-law's house working on 3 weeks' worth of laundry, if I could only get some progress on the laundry front.

A girl can dream, can't she?

I live in a horror movie.

My last post was related to a very scary book I was reading. I finished it this week...I finally took it upstairs and finished it from the safety of the couch. No more of that scary basement business. I didn't really like the ending. But at least it's over.

But real life brought some horror-ness of its own. It was actually about a week and a half ago. We returned from being out of town, and apparently it was incredibly windy. The side door of our home has an old screen door that my husband has wanted to replace for a while. Apparently the wind got to it before we did, because it looked like this when we returned:


Just a little scary. While we were sleeping, the wind picked up again. The door was making a lot of noise, so Matt got up and rigged something to keep it from slamming against the house all night. So I woke up to this set up:

I'm not sure, but it seems like waking up in the morning while you're in the midst of reading a book about a serial killer and seeing this as you walk downstairs is not exactly comforting. Just maybe.

New Beginnings

I was trying to find a picture from when I moved to Waverly. This one (me in the middle of my sisters Steph and Beth) is dated from January 2001. I moved in February 2002, but this is as close as I'm able to get. It's amazing to think about how much has changed in seven years. How much I have changed.

I scarcely recognize myself. I'm not talking about physically, although I have definitely changed there. I'm talking about the steps I have taken in the journey to the woman God has called me to be. This seven years (almost one-quarter of my life!) has brought challenges I never anticipated, pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It has also brought deeper joy and greater love than I had ever experienced.

So in this time of transition from the ministry that brought me here to the unknown future that lies ahead of me, I reflect on God's goodness. I rejoice in God's grace and love. I am amazed at the joy that comes from knowing Him. Even though the next seven years will likely bring more change than I can comprehend today, I eagerly anticipate knowing Him more and seeing Him revealed in each moment of each day that lies ahead.

"If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand. I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." Psalm 37:25-26 (NIV)