Trust

Trusting God can be such a learning process. Some circumstances in life have caused me to think more about what it means to trust God in painful, devastating times. Sometimes there are things that are so private that we are left to deal with them mostly alone, hopefully with a few select others that God provides. Some of these situations leave deep scars that take a long time to heal.

Last week I spent some time thinking about the leftover pain that can make it difficult to trust again; yes, even to trust God. I realized that, in order to trust God fully, I must release all my circumstances to Him. I must make peace with the fact that the same pain that came my way in the past could in fact recur should He see fit. I'm not saying that God sends painful, difficult circumstances our way, although sometimes I believe He does. But even if He sees fit to allow them to enter my life again, I must believe that He knows best. The problem comes when my self-protective instinct jumps in and decides that it would be better to not experience that depth of pain again. Anything is better than walking through that again, so I walk around on guard and doing everything I can to keep the pain and the pain-causing people at a distance. It's a natural reaction, but that doesn't mean it's the right response for a child of God. I should trust God enough to know that if He allows pain to come my way, it is for my good and His glory (see Romans 8:18 and 8:28).

His glory - I can get that one. My response to pain can bring Him glory. My attitude in pain can bring Him glory. My choice to use pain to push me closer to Him brings Him glory.

My good - this one is much harder to grasp. I forget how closely "my good" and "His glory" are related. I also have a tendency to look at "my good" in a childish way; anything that makes me happy and fits exactly into my expectations is good in my simplistic definition. How quickly I forget the great good that has come from great pain. It's hard to admit, but it's true in many ways.

I have a choice every day. Will I trust myself to figure out the best way to make it through this life? Or will I trust my Father, the One who loved me before I was born and loves me more than I can imagine? Do I really trust Him? When I consider what it means to give it all up in trusting Him, I struggle some days to answer in the affirmative. I'm not perfect, but thanks be to God who knows my going out and my lying down; He is familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, He knows it. He hems me in behind and before; He has laid His hand upon me.*

To know Him is to trust Him. Oh, Lord, I want to know You more.

*Adapted from Psalm 139:3-5.

Random Dozen

I really haven't taken part in Linda's Random Dozen too often, but it is so fun to read others that I thought I would go for it again.

1. It's early morning, about 2:00AM, and you're driving home. You come to a red light and sit there. There is no one in sight for miles around. Do you wait it out or run the light? Would I ever be driving home at 2 a.m.? That's hard to understand when I go to bed around 10 every night. But if I happened to find myself in this situation, I would most definitely wait it out. I am a rule follower to the death.

2. If you had the chance to re-do the last 24 hours, would you change anything? Oh, probably. I'd rather not think too much about it, though.

3. When you reply to someone's comment on your blog, do you reply in your comments or go to her blog and comment? (Or email her) Hmm...I usually respond on my blog I guess. I don't do it too often, though. I'm not on the Internet enough.

4. Your favorite Disney movie is: I'm so bad at favorites! Either Aladdin, Toy Story, Beauty and the Beast. Or probably something else that I can't remember right now.

5. Do you recycle? I do pop bottles and cans, but not anything else.

6. Games of strategy or games of chance? Strategy. Forget chance...I want to show what I've got!

7. Do you have any recurring dreams? Not that I know of.

8. What did you learn from your first real job? Patience. I baby-sat for a summer when I was 12, three kids who weren't all that much younger than me. That was quite a challenge!

9. Do you buy or borrow most books? It's probably split. I absolutely love to buy books, but I'm trying to check out more from the library to save money.

10. What fashion trend of the past did you say you'd never wear again but did? Wow...I'm really boring on this set of questions. I can't think of anything here, either!

11. When do you start Christmas shopping? Whenever I can find stuff, but I haven't started yet this year.

12. Have you ever been so happy that you literally jumped up and down for a few seconds? If so, what was the occasion? Yes. I get this happy fairly often. I remember jumping all over Tina's deck with her when I told her I was pregnant. That was fun.

In Full Swing

I'm 21 weeks today! What a week it has been. I have definitely been more emotional during the pregnancy (thank you, pregnancy hormones), but this week has been off the charts.

Monday: We went home for lunch. I grabbed a few fun size candy bars to take upstairs with me. I was finishing the Twix when I looked down and noticed my M&M's were gone. I turned to my husband and saw the M&M's in his hand. "Are you eating my M&M's?" I asked. (It was probably more like, "ARE YOU EATING MY M&Ms??!?!?!?!?!" Or something like that.) "I was going to get you more," he said. "I think that's the last ONE!" I replied. I was starting to tear up, and I realized how ridiculous this must be. Crying over M&Ms? I can get more, for crying out loud. (Sorry. That was bad.) I sucked it up and went downstairs before we left. I found one last package of M&Ms, thank God. He was definitely watching out for me.

Tuesday: The computer guy comes in to work. I already have issues with this man. He is so full of himself. He loves to impress himself with his computer talk. Give me a break. Anyway, I don't want to get into the whole story, but suffice it to say that I was steaming after he had been in the lab for 5 minutes. I could barely keep it in...Tina and I exchanged many looks as I let him ask a few questions. Finally I left for lunch, but it took a couple of hours just to cool off. The best part of the day was that Tina brought me a bag of M&M's (plain AND peanut!) after lunch.

Then my husband ate one.

He's a brave man.

Wednesday: Nothing happened today. I just wanted to cry most of the morning for no real reason.

I'm not sure I want to know what tomorrow will bring. The emotional pendulum is in full swing here in pregnant-land!

Checking In

It's so hard to find time to post with no internet at home, but I wanted to check in today. We had our appointment today (ended up being a 19-week appointment). I love going to the doctor...for baby stuff. :-) I anticipate hearing the heartbeat, and today I met one of the doctors for the first time. I really like her. I asked a few questions, and she was great. I'm excited that I like her! I was a little nervous. Baby's heartbeat was 156, so almost the same as last time.

We also set the rest of our appointments. There are a lot left! Since my due date was off from what they thought (should have just listened to me... :-), we have an extra one thrown in to get me on the right schedule. And at the end there are 3 weeks in a row! It was fun to get them all scheduled. And now it's 10 days until the ultrasound! I'm so excited I hope I don't explode!

That's about it. I found out I get to see Hannah in November, and I thought I had to wait until Christmas. Yeah! That was super great news.

Ready or Not...It Will Come!

It was not long after I found out that I was pregnant before the big question entered my mind: "How am I going to get this baby out of here?"

I read almost all of What To Expect When You're Expecting in a matter of days, and then I decided I had plenty of time to worry about it later. Now I'm 17 weeks (well, I am tomorrow!), and even though I still have lots of time, I want to be a well-informed first time mother. A friend suggested reading the Bradley book, so I checked it out at my mom's library. I devoured it, too, but I am not completely convinced. Rather than get into all the gory details, I wanted to put it out there for my many mom friends: have you ever used the Bradley method of natural childbirth? Even if not, have you heard of it/read the book? I would be interested in any feedback or opinions from those who may be somewhat familiar with it.

I am by no means a "natural childbirth" freak. I am not a nature lover, a tree hugger, or a granola eater. I have friends who are all of these things, but I'm more of a Starbucks drinker and an "indoorsy" girl. However, the concept of natural childbirth definitely intrigues me. He has some good points. I'm just not sure about all of it. So if anyone's interested in engaging in conversation about it, I definitely am! I just thought I would throw it out there and see what I get.

A Random MEME

Linda at 2nd Cup of Coffee created this MEME, and it gives me something easy to blog about for today. :-)

1. Which is worse: a long, boring meeting or standing in a return/exchange line after Christmas?

The Christmas line is worse. Usually a laptop has plenty of escape mechanisms for a boring meeting.

2. Except for maybe Rosie O'Donnell or Ann Coulter, nobody likes confrontation, yet we all have to deal with it. When you feel cornered and defensive, do you "bite back" or become passive aggressive?

I'm passive aggressive almost all the time in confrontation. But I'm learning to be a little mmore honest. I doubt I'll ever "bite back" like I wish I could.

3. Do you know anything about your genealogical background? (What country, culture, ties to prominent historical figures, or other stuff.)

My grandmother is from England and married my grandpa when he came over for the war. I'm honestly not sure of the rest.

4. What is the quickest way a person can endear him/herself to you?

Smile. Be kind. Giftcards work, too.

5. Cake, pie, cookies, or ice cream? (Note there is no "all of the above" option. You must choose one. Feel free to elaborate on flavor or memories tied to this dessert.) If you'd like, you can share a recipe, but you certainly don't have to.

Cookies. Warm, soft, slightly underbaked cookies win every time for me.

6. Females: Do you regularly change your handbag to coordinate with your outfit?

No, I don't. I stick with one for a few months then move on or back to an old one.

7. Are you task-oriented or relationship-oriented?

I'm task-oriented. To a fault at times. Not terribly so at home, but very much so at work.

8. IHOP, Bob Evans or Cracker Barrel?

Mmmm...Cracker Barrel. I haven't been in forever.

9. Have you ever left a movie in progress in a theater? Why?

I don't think I have. Now I read reviews on everything before I go see it. We don't see much, but we don't waste our money or find ourselves in shock from the ridiculous stuff that passes for entertainment these days, either.

10. What is one area of life in which you would like to develop more discipline or organization?

Writing. Playing piano.

11. Was middle school fun or painful?

Probably some of both. That's a 3-4 year span, so it's hard for me to characterize it with one word. Plus, for some reason I don't remember a whole lot. And I'm only 31.

12. What is your favorite Fall beverage?

The Pumpkin Spice Latte. I am elated when it returns to Starbucks each fall.

Where do you dwell?

I listened to a podcast recently that has got me thinking.

About what I think about.

But I have read Philippians 4:8 many, many times, and this message brought it to life in a new way. My mind loves to run about haphazardly, and all manner of good and bad things will race through my mind in a given day. I am a little ADD and have a hard time focusing on one thing at a time, so my mind wanders a lot. As I listened to his in-depth talk on each of the areas that God tells us to think about, I wondered what kind of woman I would be if I really thought like this all the time. It's messing with me. I don't have an answer, but I'm very captivated by the idea of capturing my thoughts so they fall into the Philippians 4:8 categories.

Just something to think about. If you're interested, you can read the transcript here or download the podcast here.

Ho-Hum Summer

HA! Yeah, right! I haven't blogged for a while, but the three of you that read this now know why! I'm now 12 weeks pregnant (almost 13!), and I am greatly anticipating the end of the first trimester. I am absolutely thrilled to have survived it as there were times that I thought it would do me in! Matt and I have already had lots of fun telling our parents, families, friends, talking about names, finding a crib (already!), hearing the heartbeat at 10 weeks and an ultrasound, too. I have a pregnancy journal, so I enjoy keeping that up to date.

Our (amazing, incredible, so-good-to-me-I-don't-deserve-it) friends threw us a surprise baby shower last night. And that was definitely a surprise! I wasn't having a very good weekend, so when they sprung it on me...well, I was very overwhelmed by their kindness. I don't have any pictures yet since we didn't have our camera, but they took some, so hopefully I can post some soon. They wanted to throw one that Matt could come to, which I thought was so sweet. They had a baby food identifying contest for the guys, and everyone guessed the birthdate, weight, and sex of the baby. Most of the girls guessed it would be a girl...most of the guys guessed we'll have a boy. :-) It will be fun to see if anyone guessed right!

We have a few calm weeks, and then we will have some traveling fun at the end of September and middle of October! I'm excited to visit my sisters and celebrate Hannah's birthday in October. Hopefully, I'll be showing by then, too! The way I'm eating, it shouldn't be a problem.

Blog for Hannah

I blogged a couple months ago about my precious niece and her grobaby diapers. Well the company is having another giveaway and my blogless sister has asked me to post some info about it here so she can receive a box of the Natural Baby Companies Tiny Bubbles. If you're interested in reading more about the detergent click on this link.

To Have or Not to Have

We don't have the Internet at home. I know that is hard to imagine for some people, but we live in the country...enough out of town that we would have to get dial-up (not happening) or satellite internet, which is pretty expensive. We didn't really have a computer until a few months ago, anyway. Now we do have a laptop, but we really don't even have the time to get online at home. It seems that the evening flies by, so we don't need to waste more time by messing around online. There are times it would be nice; I have to wait until I can get my lapotop somewhere with wireless internet to download new podcasts and bank statements. But I just can't get past the fact that, even without watching TV, we can't get the stuff done that we need to do. Why add internet to the mix? It doesn't seem to make sense. So for now we'll be without it. Which means I don't get to blog very often, and I wish I did. But a lot of the things that are going on in my life are not bloggable anyway. God is doing a lot in my heart, and I share it with a select few that I do life with. For now that's all I'm comfortable doing.

I still miss Melanie. I wanted to keep the last post at the top of my page...there's something about that shaving cream everywhere that just screams Melanie.

Stories of Shaving Cream and Friendship

This is Melanie. She likes shaving cream. She is eating it, and I am spraying it in her mouth.

Melanie does crazy things like eat shaving cream, throw cheeseballs, and in general try to find trouble wherever she might be. She also does crazy things like love the unlovable, move out of a lovely home into a camper, and in general does her best to follow God with abandon.

Melanie has taught me a lot in our friendship. More than anyone else I have ever known, Melanie has taught me that people matter more than things. She holds her stuff loosely, and she gives and gives beyond what might seem "sensible" to others. She gives money, time, talents, and she gives of her beautiful, loving heart, even when she's in danger of running out of herself.

Melanie has walked with me through some of the hardest days of my life. I have tried to walk with her through some of hers as well. Melanie is moving, and I am so happy for her. This will be a great adventure for Melanie and her family. God has given them such a heart to love others, and I know He will expand that even more as they grow and minister in a new place.

I will miss her desperately, miss stopping at her house to chat, kissing and hugging, tickling and laughing with her kids, and dropping off Junior Mints when the mood strikes. I will miss coffee with her and dinner for our birthdays. I will miss crying and laughing over pretty much anything. But God has taken Melanie on an amazing journey, and this move is going to draw her closer to Him. I know it is. So I will pray for Melanie and her family and for God to keep using them and to bless them with love and laughter wherever they go.

Save a place for me, because I can't wait to come visit you in our new home. And thanks for selling us your house, Mel. Even though I don't know what to do with it sometimes, there is something special about living where you lived and mowing the grass you mowed. I'm happy to walk the ground you walked on, my dear friend. I'll take care of it until you come back to visit.

For My Beautiful Niece

This post is for all my friend with diaper duty on the mind....I'm doing my sister a HUGE favor by posting this little ditty about the new gro baby cloth diaper. See she wants to try it, but is too lazy, or busy since she has a 7 month old, to set up her own blog and they are giving them away FREE if you'll post some info on your blog about it, so here I am! They seem really cool, instead of changing the outer shell all the time you can just snap out the insert and be ready to put in another, you only have to change the shell twice in a day! Too cool, huh? Well, if you wanna learn more check it out here...I'll stop gabbing about it now!

I love you, Hannah!

Do I see a bathroom in the near future?

My husband (then boyfriend) bought this house in September 2005. It isn't your typical house. It is (was) a church in its former life. Our dear friends lived in it as their first home for about 9 years. Then they sold it to Matt.

Matt lived in the house for a few months before he asked me to marry him in December. I requested two things before our wedding: a redone bathroom and laundry facilities (he had none at the time). I actually had a washer and dryer, but he needed to re-work some stuff in order to hook them up.

So he began working on the bathroom. Ok...not right then. I think he actually began about 6 weeks before the wedding. Ambitious, right? Or procrastinatious. (That's my made up word in honor of you, Nate.) Here's a picture of the demo night:

The bathroom proved to be more daunting than he expected. He had moved back into his parent's house since his shower was now gone, and he and his dad spent as much time as they could working on the remodel. We picked out a lot of things together: the vanity, sinktop, lights, shower, floor tiles, and more. It was fun. Matt had a great floor plan that didn't pan out, so he re-designed it a number of times before coming up with the final version.

At any rate, I began to realize that this wasn't going to happen before the wedding (April 1). So I gave him a pass a couple weeks before the wedding. I didn't want the last few days before the wedding to be so stressful for him, and I knew it wouldn't happen no matter how hard they worked. So when we returned from the honeymoon...it was time to get moving on the bathroom! It ended up taking until mid-July to get the shower in working order. If you're calculating, that's 3 months without a shower. THREE MONTHS. Now it's hard to remember it, but we trucked to his parents' EVERY morning to shower and get ready. I do not miss those days.

So the shower was finished in July. Of 2006. Why am I writing about this in 2009? Because progress basically stopped at that point and has trickled since then. We had some other things going on in our life and marriage, and I chose not to make the bathroom my battle for a while. A long while it seemed. But a few weeks ago Matt and his dad started working on it again. This is a picture from about two weeks ago:

I thought I had a picture with the drywall, but now I find that I don't. However, this is all covered in drywall and, as of last night, they framed out the soffit to hide the pipe that runs along the ceiling in the left side of the picture. The next step is drywalling the soffit and the large beam in the middle/right part of the ceiling. (It doesn't look so large in this picture, but it is really big.) There is some more drywalling on the wall that is opposite the one you see here. But it's starting to look more finished and...gasp...the progress has given me hope that I may yet have a full bath in my own home!

Now, as I sit at my in-law's house working on 3 weeks' worth of laundry, if I could only get some progress on the laundry front.

A girl can dream, can't she?

I live in a horror movie.

My last post was related to a very scary book I was reading. I finished it this week...I finally took it upstairs and finished it from the safety of the couch. No more of that scary basement business. I didn't really like the ending. But at least it's over.

But real life brought some horror-ness of its own. It was actually about a week and a half ago. We returned from being out of town, and apparently it was incredibly windy. The side door of our home has an old screen door that my husband has wanted to replace for a while. Apparently the wind got to it before we did, because it looked like this when we returned:


Just a little scary. While we were sleeping, the wind picked up again. The door was making a lot of noise, so Matt got up and rigged something to keep it from slamming against the house all night. So I woke up to this set up:

I'm not sure, but it seems like waking up in the morning while you're in the midst of reading a book about a serial killer and seeing this as you walk downstairs is not exactly comforting. Just maybe.